So. Welcome. Not exactly sure what I'm doing here. That's a lie. I'm here because I need an outlet, a venting place. I feel so alone with my eating disorder, most people don't believe I have one. Mostly people probably just think I'm a pig. Which, of course, I am. But there's a reason for that. Food addiction. Binge Eating Disorder. Compulsive Overeating. Call it what you will, it all boils down to me eating WAY too much, WAY too often and being filled with shame and self-hate. It's exhausting. I think about food ALL day: what can I eat today? If I have X for lunch, can I have Y with dinner? Should I have the carbs? Or go for low fat? What's the best diet? And then, no matter what I do end up eating, I go to bed hating myself because even if I've been "good" throughout the day, I'll without a doubt go mental after dinner and eat a bunch of crap. I shouldn't even keep anything in the house, but even then I'd stand in front the open fridge or pantry, searching for something to satisfy my cravings. Pig, yes. Out of control, yes. Sick of it, HELL yes.
I came across an inspiring account on Instagram called "jessicadoeslife". Jess is a 22-year-old who is a newly qualified nutritionist and former binge eater. She's absolutely gorgeous and positive and I wish I knew her personally. She's also given up diets and concentrates on eating what her body wants, even if that's a bacon double cheese burger, and enjoys it. Sooooo I've decided to try it too. Maybe it will be totally liberating.
The thought of not being on some kind of "diet" is terrifying. I'm scared of gaining even more weight and becoming obese. The kind of person you read about who weighs 500lbs and can't leave the house? Because I think I have the potential for that. Or maybe it will have the opposite affect and I'll stop obssessing about food because I'll know nothing is off-limits, nothing is taboo. We shall see. I've decided to photograph my food too, so I can see if my body's wants change over time. Who knows, maybe 6 months from now I'll be eating completely different to what I'm eating now. Maybe I'll see that what I eat for meals is actually not bad at all and just the binges are "bad". Maybe my urge to binge will disappear without all the food restrictions I set myself.
I'm 50 next year. This is my chance to beat my eating disorder and enjoy life without the pressure of dieting. Because really? Life is too damn short.
